How to handle a woman

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: : The tumbleweed's a'blowing and somewhere a bell is tolling...what happened did Barney tell a Vic Reeves style gag? : I didn't, but now you mention it........ : For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing : with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand : just how it works. : Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman : happy. : Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and : points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she : expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the : points system: : SIMPLE DUTIES : You make the bed .................................+1 : You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0 : You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1 : You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5 : You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0 : When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 : When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2 : You go out to buy her breakfast to be served in bed...........+5 : In the snow.....................+8 : But return with a six pack of beer............................-5 : And forget the breakfast.................-25 : You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0 : You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0 : You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5 : You whack it with a six iron.................................+10 : It's her cat.........................-40 : AT THE PARTY : You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0 : You leave her to chat with a college drinking buddy...........-2 : Named Tiffany..........................-4 : Tiffany is a dancer................................-10 : With breast implants..................-18 : HER BIRTHDAY : You remember her birthday......................................0 : You buy a card and flowers.....................................0 : You take her out to dinner.................................... 0 : You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1 : Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2 : And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3 : And your face is painted the colors of your best team........-10 : A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS : Go with a pal..................................................0 : The pal is happily married....................................+1 : The pal is single.....................................-7 : He drives a Ferrari...................................-10 : With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................-15 : A NIGHT OUT WITH HER : You take her to a movie.......................................+2 : You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4 : You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6 : You take her to a movie you like..............................-2 : It's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3 : Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9 : You told her it was a foreign film about orphans.............-15 : YOUR PHYSIQUE : You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15 : You exercise to get rid of it................................+10 : You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-30 : You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............-800 : THE BIG QUESTION : She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" : You hesitate in responding...................................-10 : You reply, "Where?"..........................-35 : You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....................-100 : Any other response....................................-20 : COMMUNICATION : When she wants to talk about a problem: : You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0 : You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5 : You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50 : Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do : you think I should : do"......................................-50 : You listen for 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+100 : She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.........-200

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