Re: How to handle a woman

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Posted by RM on March 28, 2003 at 21:39:55:

In Reply to: How to handle a woman posted by Barney Booth on March 28, 2003 at 15:09:57:

*** If It Really Was A Mans World *
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a
"Cheers for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
televised football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be boss of the

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable
excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove females from beaches for violating the
"Public Ugliness" law.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and
would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under
would be fined.
19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
strippers and ?2000 per-night brasses for the duration of those

20. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would own a real Lightsabre. Any disagreements would be

settled with a fight to the death (or the loss of a hand).

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive
the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd
get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintston

Cinderella . . .
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her
wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her
fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella
agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter,
something or other...."
Pinocchio . . .
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were
having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try little sandpaper
wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio
bouncing happily through town and asked him,
"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Little Red Riding Hood . . .

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the
woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out
from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached
into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum
and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse . . .
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce
court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I
said she's fucking Goofy."
Snow White and Pinocchio . . .

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the
woods so she ran up to him, knocked him flat on
his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Captain Hook . . .

Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch>______________________________________________________
Tarzan . . .

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was
very attracted to him and during her questions
about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what
sex was and he said, "Oh, I use hole in the trunk
of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all
wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must
put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and>
then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane
rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What the heck did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

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